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Grief seminar
Part 2
"Multi Faith Perspectives on Death and Grieving" ~
May 6, 2009
Miriam Bester, Barb
Siddiqui and Rob Metcalf
How to Attend a Jewish Funeral
- Dress appropriately; for example, head covering, coat and tie for men,
modest dress for women
- Arrive early
- Follow directions
- Do not greet mourners
- Talk softly
- Participate in the service
- Note the times and place for the shiva and the preferred charities
- Decide if you are going to the graveside
- Surround the family at the graveside
- Participate in the ritual at the graveside
- Offer condolences
- Wash your hands
How to Attend a Shiva1
- Decide when to visit. Avoid mealtimes
- Dress appropriately
- Bring a gift of kosher food (cake, cookies, a fruit basket) We do
not bring flowers2;
however, donations to charity in memory of the deceased are welcome
- Wash your hands if you did not do so on leaving the funeral
- Don't ring the doorbell, and don't greet mourners on entering the
home
- Take the food to the kitchen
- Find the mourners
- Participate in the service
- If invited to eat, take your cue from the mourners
- Talk to your friends who are present
- Don't stay too long
- Say goodbye: "May the almighty comfort you among the mourners of
Zion and Jerusalem"
1 In
Judaism, shiva is the week-long period of grief and mourning after the
burial for the seven first-degree relatives: father, mother, son,
daughter, brother, sister, and spouse.
2
Flowers do nothing for the departed loved one, while acts of charity
help to elevate the soul.
Part 1
"Oh God,
Why Me?" ~ Grief seminar April 2, 2008
Karen Letofsky, Executive Director of Distress Centres of Toronto,
on the dynamics of life for the survivors where and when
"unexpected death" occurs. Listed below are the passages read at the end of
the seminar, a transcript from a lecture by Alan Wolfelt, and a bibliography
on the topic of grief.
Care
from: Out of Solitude by Henri J. M. Nouwen
The work "Care" finds its roots
in the Gothic "Kara" which means to lament. The basic meaning of care is: to
grieve, to experience sorrow, to cry out with. I am very much struck by this
background of the word care because we tend to look at caring as an attitude
of the strong toward the weak, of the powerful toward the powerless, of the
have-s toward the have-not-s. And, in fact, we feel quite uncomfortable with
an invitation to enter into someone's pain before doing something about it.
Still, when we honestly ask
ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that
it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have
chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and
tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or
confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can
tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing and face with us the reality
of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares.
What is
Companioning?
- Companioning is about honouring the spirit; it is not about focusing
on the intellect.
- Companioning is about curiosity; it is not about expertise.
- Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching
them.
- Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading.
- Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement
forward.
- Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is
not about filling every painful moment with words.
- Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about
analyzing with the head.
- Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it
is not about directing those struggles.
- Companioning is about being present to another person's pain; it is
not about taking away the pain.
- Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not
about imposing order and logic.
- Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with
another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for
finding the way out.
Grief
bibliography
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